(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the seventh installment; previous ones are presented on this site or below each new installment at NewsLaugh, in case you miss one or more.)

As the days passed, the trouble with conducting the pretense became increasingly evident to Dan. Since he had to avoid making overt attempts to overcome Melanies resistance, he was coming dangerously close to losing his bet.

No, Eddie, not yet! he said into his cell phone, as he waited for Dr. Coburn to begin another lesson. I didnt lose. I just havent made my move yet . Yeah, Ill let you know . See ya.

He got up and walked around the den. He saw the big photograph of Melanie that Dr. Coburn kept on his desk and picked it up. He looked at it just as Dr. Coburn entered, accompanied by Dr. Ernst.

Nice photo of Melanie, isnt it? Dr. Coburn asked.

Yeah, Dan said.

Took it myself, he replied, and referred to his companion.

You remember Dr. Ernst?

Hi, there, he said.

Hello, Mr. Fox. Dr. Coburn tells me you've become an excellent student of his method?

Right. I like a lot of things about it.

I see, she said. Its all a conundrum to me.

The proof is in the progress, Dr. Coburn advised her. Then he turned to Dan and asked, Do you mind if Dr. Ernst observes one of our sessions?

No problem.

I want her to see for herself how much youve learned.

Sure.

Take your usual place, he said, and suggested that Dr. Ernst have a seat. Then he launched into the lesson. Lets start from the beginning.

Fire away, Dan told him.

OK, here goes. Now, what do you think of when I say the word sex?"

What else? Mexico.

And if that fails?

Tyrannosaurus Rex.

And last but not least?

Self-service.

Dr. Coburn turned to Dr. Ernst. What do you think?

Remarkable, she replied.

You see the power of my method before you. Now, observe this! Dan, quickly, give me Coburn's ninety-second axiom of abstinence.

Without hesitation, he recited, Nudity leads to reckless endangerment. Reckless endangerment leads to copulation. Therefore, nudity must be avoided.

Right you are, Danny boy! Dr. Coburn exclaimed, and turned to Dr. Ernst, And in less than three weeks. What do you think?

I think Id like to ask Mr. Fox a question.

Go right ahead.

Without his feeling inhibited by your distinguished presence, if thats possible? she requested.

Of course. I shall step out until recalled.

Thank you.

Remember your training, even in my absence, Dr. Coburn advised him.

Will you please leave us alone for a moment? she asked again.

I was just going, Priscilla. He winked at Dan and then made for the door.

When he had closed it behind him, Dr. Ernst turned to Dan. Mr. Fox, I want you to be candid with me. Theres more at stake than you know? And what I mean by that is, the more his malarkey catches on, the more it could add to the chorus of conservative sentiment that hopes to curtail authentic sex education and safe sex.

Yes, Dr. Ernst.

So what do you really think of all this nonsense?

I think it has a place, I mean, for the people it helps out.

You do?

It works for me.

Really? Then may I ask, when was the last time you had sex?

About two weeks ago.

That long?

Yeah.

But youve been studying here for almost three weeks.

I lapsed once, I mean, before Dr. Coburn created a new axiom to get me through twice as much temptation as I could stand.

Twice as much?

Two girls, hitting on me at the same time.

Oh. Well, I suppose such an invitation would be somewhere in the mix of your legendary sexual prowess. But let me ask you. You havent succumbed since then?

Not once.

Or twice?

Nope.

And you're convinced his method can preserve you from sexual delight even after youre on your own?

I know itll be tough. But not after I complete the course.

You dont mind if I remain a bit skeptical, do you? Dr. Ernst asked.

Hey, I can hardly blame you. I mean, who can know anything for certain? But cant you say the same thing for the results you get with the things you probably stand for? I mean, I cant tell you how many times I just didnt have time to stop and put on a condom.

Nevertheless, if you always did moderate your sexual exigencies for a moment, you could take the one step that would very nearly always let you enjoy safe sex. It is teaching you the importance of that precaution that I will continue to advocate, despite your miraculous response to his verbal hokum.

I understand, Dan said, I mean, whoever heard of an argument that only had one side?

All truth is one, Mr. Fox. When it is evident, everyone should champion it, she advised him, and then called toward the door. You can come back in, Dickey.

Dr. Coburn reentered promptly, apparently having lurked within inches of the door. He was so eager to hear her evaluation of Dans progress that he even forwent giving her the usual reprimand he reserved for the particular form of his first name that she had just accosted him with.

Well, what do you think? he asked Dr. Ernst.

He seems to have become at least a quasi adherent.

You still suspect his genuineness?

And ever will, she confirmed.

Dont be too sure of that, Priscilla. I expect, in fact, that in time youll be telling the medical school that my method is cause for celebration. But first he must complete his studies.

I expect he will continue his specious tutelage. Let me know when he graduates. Then she turned to Dan. Good luck with your education.

Thanks, he replied.

Let me walk you to the door, Dr. Coburn suggested.

Oh, dont let me take away from his class time. I can let myself out.

As you wish, he agreed.

She gave Dan one last skeptical glance and made her exit. As she was crossing the living room, Melanie was coming down the stairs.

Hi, Dr. Ernst, Melanie said.

Hello, dear. Tell me, Melanie, what do you think of Dan's progress?

Im honestly not sure.

You arent?

At first I thought he was a total liar and just wished hed go away. But now Im not 100% sure.

You havent by any chance grown fond of him?

Me?

Well, its not for nothing that half the girls on campus would die to be with him. I suppose he is, in his simple-minded way, unusually attractive.

So they say, Melanie replied.

But hes not your type?

Ive been trained not to think that way.

And your training is holding up?

Sure. Dr. Ernst smiled.

You said that a bit tentatively.

I did?

Yes. Then she looked at Melanie in a confidential manner. May nature take its course.

Im not allowed to let that happen.

Thats right. But you are, after all, only human. And therein, my dear, I find cause for hope, despite your ludicrous indoctrination.

Its not ludicrous.

We shall see, shant we? Dr. Ernst said, and departed.

End of Installment Seven