Are you looking for someone, but don't want to look like you are looking for someone? If you are single and searching, you can become vulnerable to the many negative voices from others as well as your own thoughts. These voices often tell you that you can't find anyone.

I have a client who is divorced and does not want to spend her life alone. She wanted to be happy in a relationship with a life partner, but she didn't know how. She was in danger of falling into one of the common but unfortunate dating distortions called: How Do I Look?

Research and common knowledge are clear that we select a mate on personal appearance. However, what is not commonly understood is how we have control over how appealing we can be. My client thought she was doomed to be alone because she does not look like a movie star and she is over a certain age. This was her dating distortion. She had taken a kernel of truth, which is the importance of looking your best, and exaggerated it to her own detriment.

How can you look your best?

The first area my client worked on was feeling good from the inside out. Focusing on strengths instead of weaknesses; wins instead of losses; and accomplishments instead of failures gave her a foundation to build on.

Secondly, she looked deeply to discover what her passions were. She had forgotten some of her dreams and lost touch with some of her talents that needed to be brought out and polished. She began to define who she was and what she was meant to do. This gave her confidence.

And thirdly, my client made an assessment of her outward presentation and made some changes. With feedback from her friends, she developed better posture, updated her makeup and hairstyle, and chose clothes in colors, fit, and texture that were flattering. She also began an exercise program four days a week. All of these activities gave her energy.

With these few simple changes, my client moved from a distortion to a new perspective which was: she had everything she needed in order to meet someone and start dating. She had herself.

Tonja Weimer

Tonja Evetts Weimer is a Master Certified singles relationship and life coach, speaker, syndicated columnist and author.

Tonja is a full time professional coach with a practice in Greenville, SC. She helps individuals, especially singles, re-craft their lives and find happiness and success in their career and relationships. Some of Tonja's professional activities include:

==> Syndicated singles relationship columnist, writing SAVVY DATING, a weekly column read by over a million readers in many U.S newspapers. Tonja's column addresses relationship and life issues of interest to all adults, but particularly to the over 110 million singles in the U.S. Tonja has also had articles published in New Woman, Hope, and House Beautiful magazines, and has won 3 Matrix Awards for her writing.

==> Motivational speaker, Tonja has been a keynote presenter at national and international conferences over the last 30 years.

==> Author of materials for educators and parents (7 books, six music albums and 2 videos), which have won 22 awards.

Some Speaking and Media Highlights:

==> Keynote speaker for 2004 Women?s Issues Network Conference, Sumter, SC.

==> Keynote speaker for 2002 Parents as Teachers International Conference, St. Louis, MO.

==> Keynote speaker for 1999 International Conference for Children & Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder.

==> Keynote speaker for 1998 European Education Conference, in Mannheim, Germany.

==> Keynote speaker in 35 U.S. states at educational conferences.

==> Presenter at the International Special Olympics in Notre Dame, at the request of Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

==> Created Space Songs for Children, at the request of NASA (album taken into space by astronauts three times.)

==> Appeared on CNN?s Showbiz Today and many other TV shows.

Educational and Professional Qualifications:

==> National Fellow (U.S. Dept. of Education.) M.A. in Human Development and Education, with an emphasis on creativity.

==> Master Certified Singles Relationship Coach, Relationship Coaching Institute.

==> Personal Life Coach, Graduate, Institute for Life Coach Training.

==> Member, International Coaching Federation